The tardiness of hindsight
Hindsight is always much too late.
My mother celebrated her birthday about a week ago. She's older than she looks, and it's been that way for a while. I remember how grown-ups were always surprised when they found out her age when I was growing up. I'm grateful that she's healthy and, relative to her earlier years, fairly happy nowadays. Her gift this year was a winter coat (my brother's idea), which has been her white whale for a while now. She could never quite find one that she liked, especially given her guilt whenever she spends money on herself. But this year, with the help of her two beloved daughters-in-law, she found one she loves. She told me a few days after we got it for her that she sometimes opens her closet just to marvel at it. I laughed, but hearing that made me happy.
I've mentioned this in Q&As before, but now that I'm a parent, I can finally appreciate what my mom did for my brother and me. She raised us on her own for the majority of our childhood – working part-time jobs, dropping us off and picking us up from school, shuttling us to extracurricular activities, cooking and cleaning at home, and so much more... I truly, truly don't know how she did it and held our family together. I have so much gratitude for her, and it grows with each passing day.
I think I was a decent child growing up, but I definitely gave my mom undue grief. I recollect the many times I fought with her about my private viola lessons, performance on standardized tests, (un)helpfulness at home, etc., and my heart aches with regret for it all because I know I added to the already-cruel burden she was carrying...physically, emotionally, financially and otherwise. I know she doesn't hold any of it against me, but still...
Hindsight is always much too late.
Happy birthday, 엄마.
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Things I have thoughts about:
- "Andor": We binged this in a few nights and enjoyed the heck out of it. I'd say it's worth a watch even if you haven't seen "Rogue One" (which is also fantastic) or aren't that into "Star Wars" in general. Diego Luna is obviously the star of the series, but I thought Stellan Skarsgård's performance was the most incredible (he had my favorite monologue). Andy Serkis and Denise Gough were also great.
- Crowded bars with loud music: I hung out with a few close friends last weekend, and we decided to meet somewhere new. It turned out to be a crowded bar with a DJ playing loud music. The food, drinks and company were good, but it wasn't fun shouting at each other in order to have "conversations." Yes, I'm getting old, etc., etc.
- "Gilead": I finally finished "Gilead" by Marilynne Robinson a few days ago and greatly enjoyed it. The book is a fictional letter of scattered reflections written by a dying Rev. John Ames to his young son. So, no, this isn't the most exciting story to read, but it's packed to the gills with gems. The entire book is subtle and unassuming, but the emotions and ruminations about life it evokes with such simple words is remarkable. There are some Christian references in here, but it's worthwhile for any interested reader.
Things Brie has enjoyed lately:
- Coloring: Brie's a coloring machine lately. She's gotten good at staying within the lines, and I think that gives her a lot more motivation and confidence to engage with coloring books. I love watching her silently color with a look of great focus on her face.
- Sticker books: Along with coloring, Brie also loves her sticker books (as I've mentioned in my Stories). She's particularly enjoying Usbourne's sticker-book series. They're available on Amazon, but a kind follower alerted me to Rainbow Resource Center, which sells them at much lower prices.
- Affection: Brie's also quite prodigal with her hugs, kisses and loving words lately. Mom gets more of them, but I'll take what I can get. Lately as I'm about to walk out of her bedroom at night, she'll extend her arms and wait for me to lean into a hug. As she's hugging me, she plants a few loud kisses on my cheek. I'm trying to cherish these moments as deeply as possible.
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