Winter and death
"I wish there was only three seasons."
Yesterday Brianna was very...forward-looking. In the morning, I took her to the zoo. During most of the drive there, she kept asking if it was almost winter and said she didn't want winter (previously her favorite season) to come because she didn't want to get shots again. She'd sob and repeat this line, sometime adding "I wish there was only three seasons" (winter being the one subtracted from the rotation, of course).
Then at home after lunch, Brie surprised me by saying: "Daddy, I don't want you and Mommy to get old. I don't want you and Mommy to get old and die." She repeated this for several minutes, eventually adding a whimper to the end of the sad refrain.
When she said this, I was taken aback for two reasons:
1) The sheer sadness of the whole scene really pierced me. I saw her face break into despair, heard her voice laden with grief, felt her head burrow into my neck. And I frankly didn't know the right thing to say. All I could muster was embracing her small frame, patting her gently on the head and saying something along the lines of "I understand," "Me too" and "Mommy and Daddy will try to be here for a long time."
2) As she said these words, I was shot back to a memory from an age I couldn't remember with specificity. In the hazy vision, I recalled a young version of me crying into my mother's shoulder, hot tears blazing down my cheeks as I wept the quivering words "I don't want you to die" over and over again.
I couldn't quite remember what my mother said in response; I just remembered her gentle hug. But today she and Brie's other grandparents were over for lunch and began discussing with great interest what Brie had said to me. That's when I heard my mother share what she said to young me in my moment of forward-looking despondency.
My mother said I too was quite young when I first brought up the fear of her dying. She said she told me that, yes, she would die one day, but that she still had to watch me grow up, get married and have my own children before she would depart.
I admire little Brie for facing the thought of winter and death so bravely. She acknowledges them, asks about them, agonizes over their proximity, earnestly wishes for their disappearance. My daughter isn't old enough yet to know how to do otherwise; she's not "grown-up" enough to know how to cower from them, how to sweep them under the rug to deal with another day, how to be so daily ignorant that you forget how to conjure the boldness to face their looming shadows at all.
Brie fell asleep on my shoulder while telling me she didn't want Mommy and Daddy to get old and die. I fell asleep too. But we both woke up together, ready for all that came next.
“Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
― C.S. Lewis ("The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe")
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Things I have thoughts about:
- "Ted Lasso": I'll try not to spoil anything here, but I'm so glad this series existed during my lifetime. While I don't think it was even close to being a perfect show, and while I had big bones to pick about the last season, this series was such a breath of fresh air. I fear when people look back on "Ted Lasso" and watch it for the first time years from now, they won't understand what it meant for this show to debut about six months into the pandemic. In such dark and uncertain times, this show was a lifesaver. And you know what? Maybe the dark backdrop of COVID helped the earlier episodes to pop more than they would've in normal times, and maybe that's why this last season didn't seem to get as much buzz. But that's fine. "Ted Lasso" will always hold a dear place in my heart, and I'm glad they nailed the landing.
- "Black Mirror" (season 6): I liked the latest season of the show overall, though it was like riding a roller coaster. (To avoid spoiling too much, I'll rank the five episodes: 3, 5, 1, 2, 4.) The more interesting trend I see is a departure from the technology angle that seemed to drive the earlier seasons. I'm not against it per se, but it's a big ask for viewers to shift their expectations in that manner.
- "Succession": The ending was great, and I appreciated the series overall. But anyone who thinks this show deserves a spot on the hallowed ground of the all-timers (granted, I haven't seen all of them yet) is off the mark, in my humble opinion. That said, if you haven't watched it yet, you're in for a treat.
- Using a whiteboard on the fridge: After years of putting it off for some reason, I finally got around to ordering a magnetic whiteboard to slap on our fridge so we can better track our leftovers and thawing meats. It's been wonderful.
Things Brie has enjoyed lately:
- Taking a long time to go to sleep: Sigh.
- Reading: Brie loves reading lately, and I no longer have to put quotes around "reading" because she's actually doing the thing! Whenever she reads substantial chunks of text, I feel like I'm witnessing a miracle (though I know she's still got progress to make). There are times, however, when she has trouble reading a word and immediately gets frustrated and says she doesn't want to read anymore...only to get frustrated again when I try to help her because she wants to read it on her own 😂
- Taking pretend pictures: Lately Brie loves taking pretend pictures on her "phone" (which is usually her hand) and immediately sending it to a few of her stuffed dolls (whom she names aloud before pressing send). Usually these are photos of her food, but she also does this when she sees cute dogs or certain scenes she sets up in her playroom.
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